The Giver and The Taker are the Same

This is Part 1 of a series on giving and receiving in relationships. In this post, we focus on how these patterns commonly manifest in dysfunctional relationship dynamics.

There has always been a familiar narrative around unhealthy, toxic relationships that makes a meaningful distinction between the one that gives, and the one that takes. As the story goes, the giver, whether man or woman, pours everything into the relationship, providing every kindness and making every sacrifice. They give, give, and give some more in an attempt to make things work, often losing themselves in the process.

The taker, waiting on the other side, possesses a truly boundless appetite for the giver's support, even as it causes tremendous suffering all around. He or she devours everything the giver has to offer, then dares to ask for more. Like vampires, takers bleed their victim dry: of compassion, of empathy, of energy, and even physical resources, until the giver can no longer continue and hardens into bitterness.

It's easy to apply this narrative to many relationships we may consider abusive or unhealthy, and some version of this story is at the epicenter of most broken relationships. It's found in books, in movies, in music, in popular terms like "emotional labor" and "narcissistic abuse." It's only natural to turn our sympathies toward the giver, whose sacrificial heart has been dealt with so violently, sometimes for years or even decades. They remained caring and selfless, even as their presence devolved into a caretaker role for a perpetually abusive, addictive, or irresponsible partner. We ask ourselves how someone could be treated so unfairly, could be taken advantage of like that? The truth is: the giver and taker are the same.

Giving and taking within a toxic relationship are two sides of the same coin. Even as the expressions are different, the giver and the taker are motivated by the same dark pits of internal insecurity, fear, and lack. In this arrangement, giving becomes not an act of love, or even service, but of need. Here, giving is tantamount to asking for—demanding even—something the giver cannot provide themselves: affirmation, recognition, identity. The giver's own doubts about their inherent self-worth necessitate their giving, and they naturally find homes with takers who consume them—providing momentary validation—while acting as mirrors to their self-loathing.

The taker wrestles with the same fears of worthlessness and inadequacy, and they differ from the giver only in the shamelessness of their behavior. One could say they are in fact a more honest and straightforward representation of their internal drivers, as their destructive patterns are so plain to see. They are eternally malnourished and empty, and thus have no choice but to pursue those who may provide some replenishment. Often, givers and takers are joined in a kind of twisted symbiosis, where each other's voracious appetites for external validation reinforce one another. The giver's offerings, like the shriveled fruits from a dead tree, provide such little sustenance that the taker never gets their fill, intensifying the emptiness on both sides.

One need not be in a relationship to experience this dynamic at play, as many givers find their attempts at help, service, and support repellant to those around them. This is common in men, who pursue women with gifts and kindnesses despite a woman's obvious disinterest in them. The woman may indulge the man's care when it's convenient for her, yet strangely, she finds it difficult to appreciate or even respect a man for giving her things she did not ask for. In response, the man withdraws into deeper states of self-loathing, as not even their best stuff is of any use.

While it's cathartic to sympathize with the giver's position as the clear victim, doing so creates tremendous obstacles to growth. Friends and family are typically of no use here, as the opportunity to ally with a loved one, share grievances, and indulge in such an obvious tragedy ultimately proves too tantalizing to pass up, even as it sacrifices any potential for progress.

Ironically, it's this type of narrative that actually perpetuates dysfunction and abuse, as it blinds those who feel taken advantage of to what is actually driving their behavior, as well as their active participation in the dynamic they are in. Seeing oneself as a victim, who seemingly only endures and then escapes the villains that prey on them, is sadly one of the most unempowered and pain-inducing paths one can take through relationship. It also proves self-fulfilling.

Suffice it to say, if giving anything for any extended period of time leaves you feeling depleted and unappreciated, it is not giving so much as it is self-induced suffering. As a practice, true giving, that is giving unconditionally from a place of compassion and love, is invigorating and uplifting. It is an expression of our fullness, power, and vitality in service of another. In this form, it is an act of love that empowers both the gift giver and the recipient of the gift.

The issue at hand for many givers is not so much a question of action—most find it imperative to give—but motivation. Our actions are infused by our motivations, and those that give who are themselves not full, find their offerings eaten whole by the perpetually uncaring, or chewed on briefly, then spit out by those who can taste that something is off.

This is the fundamental difference between giving from love versus giving from lack. We would be wise to use our giving as a viewport into the inner character of our heart, as giving is the most essential reflection of our love within, or lack thereof. Karl Marx knew this well when he wrote, "Every one of your relations to man and to nature must be a specific expression, corresponding to the object of your will, of your real individual life. If you love without evoking love in return — that is, if your loving as loving does not produce reciprocal love; if through a living expression of yourself as a loving person, you do not make yourself a loved person, then your love is impotent — a misfortune."

Indeed, including ourselves in our genuine love for another is the essential challenge here, as it requires we actually feel in our hearts what we manifest in our actions. Give from a needy place and your gifts will be like an invasive vine, grasping, tugging, and crowding every recipient, attracting only those sad souls who wish to dwell in a similar claustrophobia. Better to not give at all, at least until your heart can be reconnected with the joy and beauty of life from which it should always draw. Then, and only then, can you enmesh yourself in the natural goodness of giving which, like a rising tide, raises all boats.

Do not be mistaken. It can be tempting to interpret sacrifice, that is, the excluding of ourselves from the goodness we extend to others, as a form of humble servitude; unfortunately, when we do this continuously, we deprive ourselves of the spiritual nourishment required to act selflessly in the service of others. By mastering our ability to appreciate giving and receiving as fundamentally the same act, we can open the doors from within to true, unconditional love. From this space, we can begin to heal our own hearts, as we tend to others with equanimity and compassion.

This is one beautiful way to untangle patterns of abuse, as we no longer see partners as objects, i.e., as the supply or the supplied. We no longer need to distinguish between the one who gives and the one who receives, as both become a sparkling reflection of the other. We cannot give without being fulfilled by it, and we are not inclined to give so much to those who do not make it easy to see our own goodness in return. Now when we give, when we love, it is not just someone else we are loving. It's ourselves too, and the whole world around us.